Loving with the Brain in Mind by Mona DeKoven Fishbane

Author:Mona DeKoven Fishbane [Fishbane, Mona DeKoven]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Figure 7.1 Vulnerability cycle diagram.

CHANGING THE VULNERABILITY CYCLE

I invite the couple to look “behind the scenes” of their mutually hurtful behavior to try to understand their own and their partner’s experience with greater compassion. Neither one is trying to be cruel; these are not sadists who take pleasure from hurting the other, nor sociopaths who coldheartedly cause pain to others. They are well-meaning partners who have become lost in their own cycles of reactivity. To find their way, and to find each other again, they need to see each other with more open and caring eyes. When we link each partner’s vulnerabilities and survival strategies to their family of origin, something remarkable happens in the therapy office. As Lisa comes to see that Erik literally learned to survive his father’s death and his mother’s grief and anxious criticism by avoiding conflict, stifling his feelings, and withdrawing to his room, she sees that his behaviors in the marriage aren’t meant to hurt her or deny her what she so desperately needs from him. He is simply doing, automatically, what allowed him to survive years ago. And she sees that her attempts to connect with him—often aggressive and critical these days—have backfired, as they trigger his sense of inadequacy and fear of abandonment, his vulnerabilities. She hears his childhood stories with compassion, feeling for the little boy who was so lost when his father died and his mother leaned too heavily on her son in her grief.

Erik, for his part, hearing in greater detail how Lisa functioned as an overresponsible, parentified child in her family of origin, sees Lisa’s strength and take-charge energy with renewed respect. He sees how she tends to overfunction in relationships, both in her family growing up and in the marriage. And he sees the toll this takes on her. He also feels sad for the little girl Lisa was, attempting to hold the family together and protect her sister. He witnesses Lisa as a child trying valiantly to navigate her father’s rages and her mother’s distance and depression. He sees that his own distancing is similar to Lisa’s mother’s behavior, and he understands how damaging it has been to Lisa. When Lisa is frustrated with his withdrawal, Erik tries to take it less personally, seeing how her old childhood feelings are triggered.

Empathy and compassion are flowing between these partners as we explore their childhood wounds and how each learned to survive early in life. Each feels protective of the other, as they image the young child who felt so vulnerable and tried to survive in the family of origin. They also come to see that their own survival strategies are backfiring in their marriage. Erik realizes that his withdrawal doesn’t protect him in the end, since it inflames Lisa and is threatening his marriage. Lisa sees that her angry attacks are certainly not getting her the warmth and emotional closeness she wants from Erik. Their ability to step back from their automatic survival reactions is enhanced as they feel affirmed in therapy.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.